Why Is it that the magical places from my childhood lost whatever it was that made them magic now that I'm grown up? And why is it that the ugly places from my childhood are still as terrifying as they ever were? Even now. Even as a 26 year old woman, there are places that make me feel like throwing up when I see them.

It's all the water that makes Seattle special. Pudget Sound and Lake Washington. And the rain. Everything is clean here. Everything seems to be forgiven in the city. Maybe it's the anonimity. Maybe it's the hustle and bustle. Whatever it is, I haven't felt this positive in a real long time. Thank you Seattle.

You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear
When I lay sleepin'
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But, when I woke up
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried

You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
And then you took my Sunshine away.

It froze at mom and dads lastnight. The lawn is white.
I think after I get some experience, I'm going to try and bartend on a cruise ship. Maybe out of Seattle. Or Miami. I think it would be good for me to get gone again.
I have to much time on my hands.
I have two tattoos in mind. Birds. Sparrows.
Could really use that familiar burn down my throat and tingle in my belly.
4. I have slept with 4 people.
One was such a mistake. It ruined our friendship. I regret it big time.
Just need to put on too much eyeliner and do my hair and all is right with the world.
I like women in dresses that are too tight and heels that are too high.
I feel kinda sick.
Patsy Cline looks like a barrel with legs now.
Better get where your goin' fast.
My dad is getting a big ol' truck. I always pitctured him in a big truck. It's nice.
I see blue sky.
There is nothing left to be said.

I am fine. Look out Seattle! I have a new life to start! As for right now, now I lay me down to sleep..

When I was small, maybe 9 or 10, I spent the summers at my grandparents house. They had chickens and ducks and peacocks and horses and cows back then. It was my job to gather the eggs everyday. I went out to the hen house and saw that the duck that had been sitting on a nest of ducklings was gone. Out with her ducklings in the warm sunshine. I walked to the nest box to gather the chicken eggs and saw a duckling lying on it's back in the empty nest. Bad news. I bent down and looked at it. It's chest was rising and falling very slowly. It was alive!! There was hope! But it couldn't hold it's head up. It didn't make any noise and didn't move as I got closer.

I carefully picked it up and held it against my belly and ran into the house. I had to save it! I had to. I put some warm water in the sink and held it in the heated liquid. Nothing. Do I dried it off and wrapped it in a paper towel and sat it by the heater and waited. And hoped.

That duck was on the farm for a good 11 years.

I think this is where I learned to keep hoping even after there isn't much hope left. Sometimes, I wish that duck had died, then maybe I'd have learned how to give up, cut my losses and move on.

Casey Marlene Hilton is not a door mat. Anymore.

I look at everything and you know what I see? All this, everything that sucks, is my own fault. I have done all this to myself. I had such an opportunity when I left Mass and instead I took the easy way out. It was easier to be heart broken and wasted. And as far as the California situation, I did that to myself too. I'm done being 'that' girl. I'm done feeling all bummed for myself. I'm done not getting what I want because I don't put the effort into it to get it.

I will not be stopped. I will make myself be stable. Cause that's what life is. How can I expect to have a happy little family if I don't have a place to have that happy little family in? I'm going to do this. And I'm going to be happy. Damn it.

Lately I've been kind of a bummer. But, not today. Because today is 'hey idiot, take a look at your life day.'

So, here it goes.

I have been places lots of people only read about. I have seen things I grew up learning about. I've walked the Golden Gate Bridge. (I complained the whole way.) I've been to Salem Mass and seen where 'witches' were killed. Swam in the gulf at Pensalcola. Swam in the Atlantic at Daytona. Been soaked by the spray from Niagra Falls. Tried to hear my echo in the Grand Canyon. I've drank a Hand Granade in the French Quarter. Spent a few weeks in DC and saw everything I could. Almost saw Mount Rushmore but it was too foggy. I've seen Boston Harbor and been to the Bronx. Written in my journal on the levy of the Mississippi. Got lost in fields in Kansas. I've been to Laramie, Wyoming. Walked traintracks in Titusville, Pennsylvania. I threw hurricaine parties in a basement apartment in Eustis, Florida. I walked a street in Bakersfield. I've been all over Las Vegas. My Mustang broke down in North Carolina. I've touched 3 of the Great Lakes. I've been waaasted on Church St. In Orlando. I watched Jeff hop around after stepping on a cactus in Colorado. I shot guns with a grandmother on Thanksgiving in Houston, Texas. I've seen Salt Lake. And all that was before I saw my 24th year.

I am thankful for Kelly, Rachel, Jackie, Jayden, Melonie, Whitney, Cristy and my cranky Granny.

I am going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright.

You see, the truth is I'm a wreck. I'm being lied to. I know it, but I can't bring myself to
walk away. I am not this person. I am not a needy woman. I never have been. But, I need for her to make a decision. And she won't. And my need for this is just pushing her farther and farther away.

The truth is I'm affraid. I'm affraid of how my life is going to turn out now that all my plans, my hopes, and my dreams have failed. I was stupid for giving her all those things, but I did. I'm terrified of how old I am. I want a family of my own. I'm the only one of my siblings with nothing.

The truth is I never really wanted anything till I met her. I was fine where I was. Doing what I was doing. She made me better. She made me want to be better.

The truth is I can't see myself without her. It's scary. It's so fucking scary. And I've been lost before, but never like this. Never remotely close to this.

The truth is I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want to be scandelous. I don't want to run around and date a million girls. I don't. What I do want is to be content. And I don't see that happening for me.

And that, Ladies, is my ugly truth.

All I can Feel is my heart beat in my temples.

When all the sand has turned to glass
And all that's left is the past
I will...

I would do everything differently.
It's cold in this house.
I wish I never met her.
Avocados sound amazing rightthissecond.
So does some affection.
I'm one of those girls that wears dirty shirts off the floor. As long as they don't smell too bad. That's a secret.
I just kinda want to dissapear for a while.
I over analyze. And I make assumptions.
I have a bad attitude.
I am kinda pathetic.
But. I have amazing eyes. (Ugh)
And cute hair.
I won't be alone forever.
Cause if I'm not married by the time I'm 30, Whitney is gonna be my wife. We said so when we were 20. Jesus. I'm old.
My back is itchy.
And I can't reach it.
Shit.
I think Jack is a perfect name.
And on that note, I'm calling it a day.

I am 26 in two days. I went to a psychic when I was 15 that told me I'd have three kids by the time I turned 26. That bitch lied. The only thing I will have is the worst hang over ever. Eh, how's the old saying go? You get what you deserve. And, boy have I.

I think my liver is going to throw in the towel soon.

I got fired. For the first time in my whole life. I fucking hated that job.

It's getting colder. Perfect timing weather. You butt hole.

I have been arguing with myself for a while now. My head knows precisely what I need to do. Then my heart steps in and muddies up any clear thinking. I wonder why that happens. I'm a very rational person, except for when my heart is involved. Then I'm ridiculous. People like me have always gotten on my nerves.

I'm ready to say what it is I want. And, more importantly, what it is I need. I'm going to be 26 next month. I'm to old to be acting so young.

That is all.

I feel like scratching my skin off. Why am I never in control of anything in my life? I'm to old for this.

I ate her lies up and asked for seconds. How blind can a person allow themselves to be? 'Love' makes you do such stupid things. The things that hurt the most are the things I never talk about. I wonder if I should change that.

I feel jumbled inside today. My eyebrows hurt from frowning.

You know what I want? I want some honesty in my life. Even about ugly things. I want brutal, bring me to my knees honesty. I don't want to question anything. I want to just know. And never second guess. I wonder if that even exists.

I'm pretty sure this is nothing more than a dumb dream. People aren't like that. Even super honest people aren't honest all the time. I am not honest all the time. But, I try to be. I guess that's all I can really ask for. Someone that simply tries to be honest.

I feel so stupid. I feel ridiculously, unforgivibly stupid. I don't like looking like a fool.

What am I doing? What the hell am I doing.

I have never been so sorry in my whole life.

I'm sorry.

I'm looking for some comfort. Maybe a little piece of mind. I'm so tired of talking just to kill the time.